Friday, October 7, 2011

The next time you're bored ...

[The following video was shared with me by alert humor-finder Darlene Jensen]

The next time you're bored and have nothing better to do, go to a public place, get out your cell phone, don't turn it on, but speak into it like the guy in this video.

Click on cell phone and see what I mean ...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Guaranteed to roll your eyes ...

My job search (Shared with me by alert humor-finder Mary Ann McAllister)

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,  but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it ... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.  Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.  

15. So, I tried RETIREMENT and I found I'm PERFECT for the job!

Smile Quotes

"The secret to success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Always borrow money from a pessimist -they don't expect to be paid back.":

"The hypochondriac's epitaph:  NOW do you believe me?????"
"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up the idea - they have no holidays (Henny Youngman)

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours." (Yogi Berra)

"Roses are red, violets are blue, 
Some poems rhyme, 
But this one doesn't."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."   (Yogi Berra)

"I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life - unless I buy something." (Jackie Mason)

"There are three kinds of people in this world:  Those who can count and those who can't."

"There are two rules for success: Never tell everything you know."

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did -in his sleep.  Not  yelling and screaming - like the passengers in his car."

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

There's a story told about Ken and his wife Edna.  They went to the state fair every year, And every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'.

Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks. And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'  Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word ...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Ken said, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out ...

... but you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

And so it is, sometimes fifty bucks is not 50 bucks - sometimes it's priceless.  Especially when it means you get to live a dream.  Go for your dreams.  Follow your bliss, because if you don't, oh how much you will miss.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Technically Wrong, But Humorously Right

Children's Science Exams Responses ...

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Genuine Thrill of Discovering Your Blues Name

Follow the instructions below for the genuine thrill that comes with discovering your blues name: From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name. From the second list, do the same with your middle name. From the third, your surname.

First List:
A=Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin';
G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty;
M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny;
S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=FatBoy;
Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye

Second List:
A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer;
H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot;
O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken;
V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke

Third List:
A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown;
G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker;
M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson;
S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson;
Y=Blue; Z=Allison

[Turns out my blues name is Big-Eyes McGee.  And yours?]

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Guranteed to Roll Your Eyes

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm gonna mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, it's not very absorbent and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."


Another one? Okay, but you asked for it...

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

So the both started yelling, "Together! Together!"


One final one? Alright, but brace yourself, this one is really BAD...

A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"

The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all walk on?"


Okay. Okay. One more, but this is it...

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."