Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Technically Wrong, But Humorously Right

Children's Science Exams Responses ...

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Genuine Thrill of Discovering Your Blues Name

Follow the instructions below for the genuine thrill that comes with discovering your blues name: From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name. From the second list, do the same with your middle name. From the third, your surname.

First List:
A=Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin';
G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty;
M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny;
S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=FatBoy;
Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye

Second List:
A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer;
H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot;
O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken;
V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke

Third List:
A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown;
G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker;
M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson;
S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson;
Y=Blue; Z=Allison

[Turns out my blues name is Big-Eyes McGee.  And yours?]

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Guranteed to Roll Your Eyes

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm gonna mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, it's not very absorbent and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."


Another one? Okay, but you asked for it...

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

So the both started yelling, "Together! Together!"


One final one? Alright, but brace yourself, this one is really BAD...

A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"

The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all walk on?"


Okay. Okay. One more, but this is it...

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."

Monday, December 13, 2010

Banned from Wal-Mart

(The following Smile Notes post was shared with me by alert clean humor finder Rex Morris. )

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping  boring and preferred to get in and get out.  

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women she loved to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel, 
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban BOTH of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away. '  

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
antidepressants were.

10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission
Impossible' theme.

11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal
position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.

14. October 23: Went into a fitting room,shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!'

Saturday, December 11, 2010

This Could Be My Story. How About You?

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

Friday, December 10, 2010

Getting Lost is a Man Thing

(The following Smile Notes post was shared with me by alert clean humor finder Phil Davidson.)

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.   And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Day At The Beach In China

The following Smile Notes post was shared with me by alert clean humor finder Phil Davidson.

 And we complain that Florida is crowded!

Where are the bathrooms?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Don’t go messing with Smokey Taylor

Retired Green Beret shoots intruder, gets Court Martial

BREVARD, Jan. 19, 2008 – Retired Army Green Beret Smokey Taylor got his court martial this weekend and came away feeling good about it.

Taylor, at age 80 the oldest member of Chapter XXXIII of the Special Forces Association, was on trial by his peers under the charge of “failing to use a weapon of sufficient caliber” in the shooting of an intruder at his home in Knoxville, TN, in December.

The entire affair, of course, was very much tongue in cheek. Taylor had been awakened in the early morning hours of Dec. 17, 2007, when an intruder broke into his home. He investigated the noises with one of his many weapons in hand.

When the intruder threatened him with a knife, Taylor warned him, then brought his .22 caliber pistol to bear and shot him right between the eyes.

“That boy had the hardest head I’ve ever seen,” Taylor said after his trial. “The bullet bounced right off.”

The impact knocked the would-be thief down momentarily. He crawled out of the room then got up and ran out the door and down the street. Knoxville police apprehended him a few blocks away and he now awaits trial in the Knox County jail.

The charges against Taylor were considered to be serious. He is a retired Special Forces Weapons Sergeant with extensive combat experience during the wars in Korea and Vietnam.

“Charges were brought against him under the premise that he should have saved the county and taxpayers the expense of a trial,” said Chapter XXXIII President Bill Long of Asheville. “He could have used a .45 or .38. The .22 just wasn’t big enough to get the job done.”

Taylor’s defense attorney, another retired Weapons Sergeant, disagreed. He said Taylor had done the right thing in choosing to arm himself with a .22.

“If he’d used a .45 or something like that the round would have gone right through the perp, the wall, the neighbor’s wall and possibly injured some innocent child asleep in its bed,” he said. “I believe the evidence shows that Smokey Taylor exercised excellent judgment in his choice of weapons. He did nothing wrong, and clearly remains to this day an excellent weapons man.”

Counsel for the defense then floated a theory as to why the bullet bounced off the perp’s forehead.

“He was victimized by old ammunition,” he said, “just as he was in Korea and again in Vietnam, when his units were issued ammo left over from World War II.”

Taylor said nothing in his own defense, choosing instead to allow his peers to debate the matter. After the trial he said the ammunition was indeed old and added the new information that the perp had soiled his pants as he crawled out of the house.

“I would have had an even worse mess to clean up if it had gone through his forehead,” Taylor said. “It was good for both of us that it didn’t.”

Following testimony from both sides, Taylor was acquitted of the charges and was given a round of applause.

Meanwhile, back in Knox County, the word is out: Don’t go messing with Smokey Taylor. He just bought a whole bunch of fresh ammo.

***Tribune Editor Bill Fishburne is a member of the Larry Thorne Chapter XXXIII of the Special Forces Association.